


A Guilty Conscience

by LadyofI



Series: Tales of the Society [12]
Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Heart-to-Heart, Sex Equals Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 14:25:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16662599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyofI/pseuds/LadyofI
Summary: Irene can't forgive herself for what she did to her boyfriend a month ago. When tension between them comes to a head, will the butterfly-winged woman finally find in herself to forgive, or will this spell the end of their relationship?





	A Guilty Conscience

**Author's Note:**

> A follow-up to _A Loving Nightmare_ , this was done because I wanted to show that Irene's conscience tends to lead her down some dark paths.

(Irene)  
“ _You’re paying for this entire day,_ you asshole!” Oh no, not _this_ again.

I watched myself tear at Tsuneo’s pants and ride him like I was some sort of feral beast. A cry of _Stop this!_ ran through my mind, to no avail. I knew how this story ended, but I couldn’t help it. This ability of mine - the power to control my own dreams - always failed me in this nightmare, leaving me a spectator to the most horrible moment of my recent life.

_This isn’t like me!_ I watched rather than felt myself become dazed, my brain full of the typical fog that came with my orgasms; Tsuneo took the opportunity to slip away, a tiredness to his step. I quickly shook off the fog and chased after him, crying at this point. 

“ _I’m so sorry, hun. I’m sorry. Please, forgive me,_ ” I sobbed. “ _Just…_ ”

“…Stay away! Stay away from me! I don’t-” The words sounded in reality as I bolted up, the nightmare temporarily over. My brain had a new thing to focus on.

_My back hurts._ I thought as I forced myself out of ‘bed’, a.k.a. the hard floor. Ever since that fateful day, I had been _trying_ to become a morning person, to try and sneak out of the room before…

“Morning, love.” _Shit._ Were I in a relationship with _anyone else,_ I could easily sneak out of the shared bedroom and be on my way before they woke up. But _noooo;_ I _had_ to be in a relationship with a zombie who didn’t sleep. _And probably_ can’t _sleep with me in here, lest he deal with even more night terrors._ “Another one?”

Lying wasn’t my strong suit - my wings made sure of that - so I opted for the truth. “Yeah, these night terrors are about as good for my sleep as sleeping on the floor. Speaking of which, I’m feeling pretty stiff-” I held up my hands as I realized what I just said. “I’ll… I’ll work through it, though. No need for a massage or anything.” He wasn’t the problem; _I_ was, and I knew it.

I still had nightmares about that damned Valentine’s Day, where I did something…unspeakable…to Tsuneo. He assured me, _repeatedly,_ that it wasn’t my fault - that it was the influence of that damned virus, yet _another_ reason to hate spiders - but the guilt ate at me like acid. I could barely stand to touch him, even _look_ at him. Hugs were forced, even our talks felt scripted…but he refused to just let me go. When trying to completely avoid him had backfired, I opted to share our room, but barely.

No matter what anyone said, the awful thought was lodged in my head; because I lost control that day, our relationship was ruined and there was no convincing me otherwise.

“I’ll meet you downstairs for breakfast.” I spoke mechanically as I changed into my normal clothes. I had just slipped on my shirt when I felt a hand on my shoulder, causing me to stiffen up and hurt my back again.

“ _Gods,_ love, you’re acting like it’s the end of our relationship.” Tsuneo sounded both concerned and exasperated as I stepped away from his touch.

_Because it might as well be?_ Aloud, I only said, “Please… _don't_.” as my wings turned blue.

“Valentine’s Day was a month ago. Are you still upset about that?”

“I’m not upset at _you._ ” My harsh words were contrasted by the way I hugged myself. That much was true, at least; I wasn’t upset with _Tsuneo_ for driving me to be a horny wreck that day.

“It wasn’t your fault; you weren’t yourself that-” I let out a scream of frustration at one platitude too many.

“And that makes what I did any _better?!_ ” With tears coming to my eyes, I made my decision, “Y’know what? Screw breakfast. I’m heading to R&D. _Please_ don’t bother me.” Before he could object, I vanished into a portal, not willing to listen anymore.

\-------------------------------------

I made it to R&D, but my focus wasn’t on any project; I just wanted to be away from everyone.

“I can’t be the only one who feels like a monster for what we did to the guys here, can I?” So far, it seemed I was the only one; most, if not all, of the others had been forgiven. Then again, most of the guys weren’t virgins, unlike Tsuneo, so they didn’t have _that_ hanging over their heads…and from what I’d heard, their cures were less “heart-to-heart” and more “horror film material”.

_Thank fuck that Tsuneo cured me personally; if Pitchmaw had done it, I’d_ still _be screaming._ The shuddering thought briefly took my mind off of the guilt as I sat in my seat, trying to force myself to focus on some new chemical. It was a valiant, but futile effort; all too soon, my vision was blurred with tears as the memories replayed themselves for the umpteenth time.

“Of all the people, Irene, why _him?_ Why do _that_ to him, you inconsiderate **fuckup?!** ” I slammed my fist on the desk, not caring about the sharp pain that shot through my arm. Gods know I felt like I deserved it; at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into the deepest crevice in the mountains and never come back out.

In my misery, I barely heard the door to the R&D lab open, something that normally caught my attention. I also didn’t register the small chorus of heavy, almost metallic footsteps passing by me until they paused right beside me.

“Ahem…pardon my interruption, Miss Williams, but may I use one of these workspaces?” I blinked back the tears long enough to glance to my left, taking in the sight of Pitchmaw flanked by two of his Abyss Trooper drones. A large toolbox was held under one arm, similar in design to the even larger boxes carried by his mechanical minions. “I had some fairly important work planned for today, but…”

“N-no, it’s fine. Big lab.” I gave the most offhand wave I could manage as the resident Bunker agent set up his things a few desks away. _Odds of him being here to try and apply his usual cold logic to my situation…pretty damn high._ Part of me wanted to bolt, but the bit of my brain still trying to apply reason to my life reminded me that a motivated Pitchmaw was even harder to shake than Tsuneo. With that in mind, I opted to make a show of going back to work, planning to be as bluntly vague as possible when he started trying to make “aimless” small talk.

As the minutes dragged on, however, the only sound was the clatter of Pitchmaw’s work at the desk ahead of me. From the few glances I risked - _still_ not convinced he doesn’t have eyes on the back of his head, honestly - it seemed that he was tinkering with one of those experimental “Tech Grenades” again. He’d been working on them for a few months now - said that he’d been inspired by his “more explosive-inclined friends in the Society”, like Gabe or myself. As much as I hated to admit it, my usual apprehension around anything _remotely_ Bunker-related had a fight on its hands against the urge to give him some pointers. Meticulous planner or not, the thought of Pitchmaw with explosives set off alarms in my head.

_Maybe I should look into making the island explosion-proof. Gods know that we don’t need_ another _brush with destruction after…!_ I mentally cursed as my thoughts turned to the allegedly-epic battle between Pitchmaw and Izza at the end of what the gang had dubbed “the Loving Nightmare”; naturally, it didn’t take long for that train of thought to roll right back to the root of my current depression.

Barely biting back my groan, I looked up at the clock on the wall. It had been over thirty minutes since I first arrived, and I’d managed a grand total of _zero_ progress on anything, project-related or otherwise. _Suddenly, talking to ‘Maw seems like a half-decent idea…if only to kill some more time. …Maybe I’ll ask about the “dust mite census.” That should occupy him for, what, fifteen minutes, ten at least…?_ I shook my head, realizing how stupid that sounded. _…Am I seriously considering involving myself in a detailed discussion about fucking **dust mites!?**_

“Yep, it’s official: I’ve gone off the deep end this time.” I muttered in a voice that I hoped was too quiet for Pitchmaw to hear. My heart somehow managed to sink even further than it already was when I noticed him straighten up…but he only hummed to himself as he stowed away his work-in-progress and signalled his Abyss Troopers to help him gather his tools.

“That should do it for the moment. Sorry to disturb you, Miss Williams.” I made another half-hearted “forget about it” gesture in response; judging by the soft hum of wing-saws, that was a mistake. “……Is there anything I can help you with, by chance?”

“…No.” I made sure to pause before I replied; it was probably useless by this point, but I wanted to at least _pretend_ I was fooling our resident data nut. For what it was worth, Pitchmaw had the decency to play along, limiting his response to a soft “Hm” as he and his drones made to leave.

“Well, I’ll leave you to it, then…but if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. I’ll be waiting; we _all_ will.” Common sense told me that he meant that as a reference to the Society, but paranoia wanted to interpret that as a subtle hint to his “second job” - a little warning that I could expect some ‘interventions’ from the Node in the near future if I didn’t lighten up.

The worst part was that a not-so-small part of me _welcomed_ the thought.

\----------------------------

Were it not for the clock on the wall, I’d never have known how long I was in the lab; it was one big messy blur. Projects piled up on the table (and the surrounding ones) as I brought them out, only to set them aside when my focus failed me. If I wasn’t crying my eyes out over that _fucking_ day, I was recalling the fight I’d had with Tsuneo this morning. My eyes were red from bawling and I thought about portalling back to our room when a knock came at the door.

“Come in. Sorry if I sound like a mess.” I added as the door hissed open.

“Breakfast was one thing, but you missed lunch _and_ dinner.” Tsuneo’s voice snapped me back to reality, making me keenly aware of how… _weak_ I suddenly felt. The sudden pain in my stomach _almost_ matched the fresh twisting of my heart as I registered the concern behind my boyfriend’s stern tone. “This isn’t healthy, Irene. Cut it the fuck out.”

Were it a normal day, that would’ve brought a chuckle out of me; here, I just turned to stare at him, not willing to move. “Go away, Tsuneo. I don’t wanna talk right now-”

“ **Irene.** ” A note of anger came to his serious tone. “You’re not a goddamn moron; you _know_ what’s going to happen if you don’t actually take care of yourself. You’re seriously gonna let yourself waste away over _nothing-_ ”

That did it. My newfound weakness vanished behind a surge of anger as I struggled to my feet.

"Nothing? _Nothing!?_ I did something _unspeakable,_ hun! And even if you tell me that it wasn't my fault, I can't help but feel even worse. I lost control of myself, and look what happened!” Somehow, I found myself crying yet again. ”Your first time was supposed to be a beautiful moment, one that stays with you for the rest of your life. Instead…it's memorable for all the _wrong_ reasons."

"Irene…gimme some credit here.” Tsuneo crossed his arms with a scoff. “ _Nothing_ you could ever do to my body would scar my mind any worse than what _Valen_ did to me for most of my teen life…” I winced as I remembered my boyfriend’s history with the utter psychopath who briefly served as his CO; the one who gave him that gaping hole in his chest that he called a mere _scar._

“…or, for that matter, what growing up as the figurative runt in a Darwinian society did to me from the moment I was born.” Now I was shuddering; Tsuneo had only briefly talked about his homeworld of Zeneria, but it sounded nothing short of hellish. A heavily-militarized planet with near-constant tundra temperatures was bad enough, but to be born with physical health bad enough that he wasn’t expected to see his 20th birthday… _Gods…and I thought_ I _had it rough as a kid…_

“I’ve lost literally everything once before…and I was resigned to lose it all _again_ until you provided me a new hope,” Tsuneo went on. “You helped me reunite with these friends; you stuck by us, saved my life more than I think anyone ever has, risked everything so often… Compared to all the good you've done, this incident was a mere bump." 

As much as I didn’t want to admit it to myself…he made one very compelling point: I _did_ do a lot for him for practically no reason beyond wanting to. I had first joined him for revenge - making the goat-bitch pay for using my bomb against Old Iridu City - but it didn’t take long before it stopped figuring into my motivations to help Tsuneo. I was helping him for _his_ sake alone…and by all accounts, I did a pretty good job of it.

"…You are the only person I know that would consider being…” I sighed, the word burning on my tongue. “…being raped to be a mere bump. It still doesn't change the fact that I'm scared that I'll do something worse thanks to my libido. Gods…even now I want you, but I don't want to put you through the wringer again. So, I threw myself into my work in hopes of quelling it. It…hasn't worked." I looked at the endless amount of projects strewn about on my desk.

"Then stop being afraid, love.” Tsuneo’s voice was softer now, but no less intense in its conviction. “Nothing bad will come of doing the deed anymore."

I scoffed. "Tell that to my paranoia and fear."

"Then that's your demon to face, love. I've given you every permission, but if you can't act, then it's your call."

"I'm…I’m scared that I'll go too far. You'll…you'll stop me if it gets to be too much, right?" I felt tears coming to my eyes as the hated memories threatened to resurface.

"It _won't_ get to that point, I promise you… But I _will_ be ready." My mind was a maelstrom of feelings at that moment. On the one hand, he had just confirmed - and reaffirmed - that this was all in my head. But on the other, could I _really_ do this after literally forcing myself on him? I let out another sigh.

“…Fine.” Now acutely aware of my self-inflicted fatigue, I fell backwards into my seat…well, I _tried_ , but I ended up on the floor instead. “…On second thought, I think I’ll eat something first before we fuck. The last thing you need is me passing out from hunger instead of pleasure.” 

“I told Chervil to save you a plate…or three.” Tsuneo crouched before me, offering a hand. “You’d better let me help you along - you know how pissed he gets if there’s leftovers.”

For the first time in a month, my hesitation to make contact was not out of paranoia and shame. “…Hun, when has Chervil _ever_ gotten pissed about leftovers?”

“When has Chervil ever _had_ leftovers?” I could just imagine the trollish smirk behind Tsuneo’s mask as he took my half-raised hand and pulled me to my feet. A tingle ran through me at the contact, but I couldn’t tell if it was panic, gratitude, disgust, or love.

After a particularly insistent growl from my stomach, I decided to ruminate on it more once I had something to eat.

\-------------------------------------

I practically inhaled the plates offered in the dining hall; I hadn’t had anything to eat all day, and Chervil is a _damn_ good chef.

“My compliments to Chervil.” I swallowed my last bite as I looked at the only other occupant of the hall; Tsuneo, sitting beside me. 

“Better?” I nodded in response to his question. “Good…shall we get on with it, then?”

I nodded again, but much more hesitantly. “Sorry, hun; my nerves are getting to me.” I bit my lip, bracing for a dry quip about ‘That’s supposed to be for virgins’ or something to that effect, but Tsuneo only laid a hand on mine, as firm and calming as his next words.

“We don’t _have_ to do this, love,” he said. “It’s not like I don’t have time to spare-”

“No.” The conviction in my voice took me aback. “You’re right; I’m _done_ with letting paranoia tell me what I can and can’t do.” I grabbed his hand and practically yanked him to his feet. “Let’s see if we can make your _second_ time a bit better.”

“Your call.” Tsuneo’s smile was audible as I portalled us to our room. After making sure no one was planning on listening in or bothering us, I locked the door and slipped out of my shirt.

“Hope you’re ready for me to rock your world tonight, hun.” I didn’t know if my heart or my wings were fluttering faster at this point, but I knew that I didn’t feel half as confident as my words implied. I wanted to show him (and myself) that I was past the nightmares - that I could do this, that I could move on - but as my hands went to my pants, I hesitated. Whether I wanted to admit or not, the nightmare still lingered in my mind; the fear that I would go too far, that I _had_ gone too far once before still an unfortunate memory.

“Irene.” He noticed that I had stopped. Great.

“Sorry, I…want to do this, but my nerves keep getting the better of me.” I couldn’t help but chuckle at the familiar excuse; I was starting to sound like a broken record. “Gods, what I wouldn’t give for Izza to give me a push in the right direction. Something so I can just _do_ this without my godsdamned head getting in the way.”

“…Isn’t that what got us into this mess in the first place?” Tsuneo quipped as he removed his jacket. “Just that ‘extra nudge’ that pushes things out of your direct control?”

“Yes, but…I…” I looked away. “Oh godsdammit, hun, why can’t you take control of this?! Clearly, I can’t.”

“And that’s why you _have to_ ,” Tsuneo answered calmly. “Nobody ever got over a bump in the road without pushing themselves even a little bit. You have nothing to worry about; I _trust_ you.”

_Well, at least_ one _of us trusts me._ I didn’t let the bitter thought stop me from slipping off my pants. I was just working on my bra when I heard a small voice in my head.

_Irene, you need to let go of your fear. Not only is this not healthy for you, it’s bad for your relationship._

_I’m afraid of losing control again._ I told her.

_You won’t lose control. You’re too aware of what can go wrong to let it happen again. Irene, where would you be if you didn’t learn from your mistakes?_

_…In an_ entirely _different state of mind, I guess._

_Exactly. Let go of the fear. Do something to start this off, then let loose._ With that in mind, I smiled as I looked at Tsuneo. Seeing him without his jacket and picturing him without all those scars… I fell in love all over again.

“Sorry, but… I need to do this.” Dropping a portal at my feet, I pounced him and practically pinned him to the bed with my body. Realizing how this must have had him spooked, I gave him a playful kiss on the cheek. “Sorry, but I had to make myself do _something_ or we’d be here all night just waiting on my scared ass.” I sat up and lowered myself onto him, sending a shudder through us both.

“ _There’s_ the fire.” Tsuneo removed his mask and cast it aside, letting me see the look on his face: love, understanding, and _pride_. Looking into his eyes - cloudy from undeath, but no less focused - I finally acknowledged what everyone had been trying to tell me for weeks: he’d already forgiven me before I even wronged him.

“Thank you. For everything.” Just before the fog could completely cloud my mind and make it impossible to focus on him, I gave him another kiss, this time on the lips. “And for putting up with my paranoia and fear. You have the patience of a saint.”

“Like I said…I’ve got time to spare.” Tsuneo’s chuckle was raspy without his mask’s audio filters, but it was the only clear thing I heard through the fog overcoming my brain. I was about to let it consume me when I heard…singing. Looks like I was close.

Might as well relax and enjoy the ride, Irene. 

\----------------------------

When I awoke some time later, I was almost too groggy to remember what I - _we_ \- did. Then I looked to my left, saw Tsuneo still undressed, and the memories came flooding back.

“I… um… oh my gods, I forgot we actually did it.” I could barely stammer out that much, my brain valiantly _trying_ to function through the lingering fog. Mercifully, Tsuneo limited his reaction to a quirked eyebrow - otherwise, the sheer force of my blush might’ve burned down the room.

“Have a nice nap?” I decided words were too complex for right now, so I merely nodded. “Good…then maybe you can explain the singing? I thought you were a butterfly, not a bird.” Despite the quip, Tsuneo looked genuinely intrigued.

I giggled at that. “Oh right. My ex-girlfriend told me that I sang when I was gonna climax. Made it _real_ easy to tell…for her. As for me…well…” I shrugged half-heartedly. “Most of the time, I don’t remember a damn thing. If I _do_ remember, I try to tell them to keep up whatever they’re doing; maybe scream out some affirmations of love if I’m lucky.”

“…Huh. Neat,” Tsuneo said. “…I’m guessing you enjoyed yourself that time.”

“Yeah…but what about _you_?” The tiniest bit of uncertainty crept through the back of my mind, but it was quickly banished when Tsuneo moved to lay a hand on mine.

“Well…I’ll have to compare with the boys one day, but if that was how this normally goes……I might have to let you needlessly beat yourself up more often.” My boyfriend’s joke was made obvious by the way he chuckled. It might not be attractive to most - to which I say, “let’s see _you_ do better with death-ruined vocal cords” - but to me, it was the sweetest music I’d ever heard.

I chuckled right back as I pecked him on the cheek. “Hun, you’re an ass. …I _love_ that about you.”

**Author's Note:**

> It's worth noting that yes, Irene was passively suicidal throughout the month. She can't actually kill herself (well, not without ripping out the Philosopher's Stone in her heart), but no one said she couldn't make herself passively suffer.
> 
> A hella smart chemist and weapons engineer, stupid when it comes to her conscience.
> 
> I'm Insanity_Lady on twitter and mythicalmiracles on tumblr if you wanna yell at me.


End file.
